


Xephos Remembers

by flynotfall



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Depression, F/M, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 06:11:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2955155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flynotfall/pseuds/flynotfall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xephos could only remember now.</p><p>Honeydew was gone.</p><p>The spaceman remembers how he watched his best friend latch onto his coat with blood coated fingers begging for help. How Xephos cried that he didn't know what to do.</p><p>Xephos remembers how Honeydew died in his arms.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Xephos Remembers

Dwarfs are known to be adventurous, Xephos knew that very well from past experience with his best friend Honeydew. Honeydew was the type of person who would run ahead in a dark dungeon, but would scramble back in panic when a spider advanced in his direction. Xephos could remember the time when Honeydew had blasted open the door for one of Israphel's dungeons with TNT. He didn't think about how Reverend John, and evil Granny Bacon were lurking in there. The spaceman also remembered the time when the dwarf sat in a corner with tears welling in his eyes from a light tap from Pirate Tinman (which he deserved). Xephos also remembered when  they accidentally created an evil portal, but were ever so confused when it didn't work, and also so confused when sand surrounded the entrance, and when monsters from the Nether began sweeping into their land.   
  
Xephos could only remember now.  
  
Honeydew was gone.  
  
The spaceman remembers how he watched his best friend latch onto his coat with blood coated fingers begging for help. How Xephos cried that he didn't know what to do.  
  
Xephos remembers how Honeydew died in his arms.  
  
He wants to forget, of course he does. But Xephos can't, ever.   
  
It had been a month since Honeydew died. Xephos sat silent, listening to the gentle sound of the clock ticking beside him. That's how he spent most of his life, his posture upright and straight in the living room chair of his small shack that he the two of them had built together. He fumbles with the sleeves of his jacket, pulling them so he can grasp them nervously. A permanent panic attack lies upon his shoulders, one thing shifting could trigger an episode of vomiting, crying and shaking violently. No one visits anymore. They tried to at first, bringing cups of coffee that were untouched by Xephos. The spaceman barely spoke. His mind too busy wandering into his thoughts, how he could have saved Honeydew. If only he wasn't so stupid, and knew what to do. He hated himself more than anything. If Xephos really let his imagination get away with him he felt he could almost hear the pests that were growing outside. Crawling up the walls, scurrying through the cracks, a tiny insistent scuttling that made his skin crawl to picture it.   
  
_"Xephos?"_    
  
The spaceman shifted, jolting up to face the door as he landed on stuttering legs. The spaceman heard the door shut lightly, and began to feel shaking begin on his pale fingers, not knowing who the stranger at his door was made him unsettled. Sjin appeared from behind the wall, and smiled down at his lost friend. 

"Hi buddy." Sjin's voice was almost mocking to Xephos. It infuriated him, his voice being high pitch and simple as if he was talking to a 2 year old. Xephos wasn't any two year old, in fact, he was a 30 year old who sat in his house for days crying, and wishing that he was dead. He was pathetic, and deserved to be treated like a baby. "How're you feeling?" Sjin smiled lightly. 

Xephos could have scowled,  _how was he feeling?_  How did he think? 

"I thought maybe we could do something." He suggested, clamping his hands together awkwardly. Xephos really didn't want to do anything besides from melt in self pity. He was disgusted in himself. The spaceman could only imagine what Honeydew would say if he were here. That Xephos was being stupid, that he was a fool for actually thinking he could do anything with himself, He couldn't even save his best friend. What good was he to this world?

"How does that sound?" Sjin questioned sweetly, his head tilted to the side. Xephos peeped up from staring longingly at the floor below their feet that was decorated in a neat brown carpet. He shrugged, observing Sjin's reaction. "I was thinking we could.." Sjin cleared his throat, making Xephos look up in alarm. "Visit.. Um.. Honeydew's grave?" He mumbled, trying not to make his friend upset in anyway. Xephos froze, his breath hitching as he squinted his eyes. 

"N.. No.." He whimpered into the air, before shaking his head violently. "No no no.." He bit his lip and felt an anger growing inside his gut. How idiotic was Sjin to think that Honeydew would want them standing around a piece of metal and remembering him by it. Xephos felt a lump in his throat. 

Sjin placed his hands up in defense. "X.. Xephos I just.."

"He wouldn't want that!" He tried to scream into the air, however the words were a yelp that had been taken over by his voice breaking. His taller friend placed a gentle hand on his broad shoulders to which he shrugged off reluctantly. 

"I think it will be better for you." The man sighed, scanning over Xephos carefully, wanting to forget everything that had ever happened to him, because the spaceman didn't deserve to feel so bad. 

"I'm fine." Xephos lied. 

Sjin gasped. "Fine?!" He felt his voice grow in rage. "Look at yourself Xeph!" 

Xephos bit his lip, trying to fight back the urge to either shake and howl himself into another mental breakdown, or send a punch into his friend's jaw. His now teary blue eyes stared shyly up at Sjin, while he sniffed away tears. Today his emotions had decided to go down the path of tears instead of anger. He couldn't even decide which was better anymore.

Because no matter how hard he tried, the two emotions would end up in sobbing. 

"Please.. For Honeydew.." Sjin muttered slightly, wary of plucking away the barriers Xephos had slowly built for himself over the past few weeks. The spaceman's lips parted in disgust. 

 "I'm not remembering him like that Sjin.." The man tried his hardest to speak with full confidence, his voice breaking and stuttering as his normally deep voice responded. "Honeydew is not a piece of meat in the ground." The spaceman began to feel his body shake, it had now been clarified that today was a sadness day. 

_Congratulations Xephos, you're sad once again and you're being swallowed by self pity, whilst Honeydew is dead because of you. Well done you selfish bastard._

Tears came stronger now, and he broke, his breath hitching in his throat as the tubes in his neck twisted and became tangled together in a bundle of knots similar to vines. He choked, spluttering as tears uncontrollably began to stream down his incredibly (unhealthily) pale face. 

Sjin fell silent, his shoulders slumping. "It's.. Okay Xephos.." The tall man began to reach a hand over to his friend, slightly placing the limb on his shoulder before the victim violently shivered and flinched away from his subtle touch. 

"I want to be alone." He whimpered, his heart beating so fast he thought he would faint. Sjin stared in astonishment. "Please."

"N-No!" Sjin stammered, feeling suddenly nervous by how broken his friend was. He didn't deserve this. "I'm not leaving you like this!" The man reached forward, grasping Xephos by the arm. The spaceman attempting to fight it, but the lack of movement and sunlight had forced his body to become weak. Sjin shook him, before allowing him to succeed in pulling away. "Go and get some clean clothes," Sjin tilted his chin up to the roof, to gesture the next floor. "We're going out."  
  
Apparently being left alone wasn't an option.  
  
All he wanted was to remember.

Xephos wanted to remember the life they had.  
  
He sat in front of his cracked mirror, staring at it numbly. His eyes were empty, blue with tints of grey swerving through the oceans of blue colours. His hair wasn't styled anymore, instead it waved in different directions. His beard had grown slightly, which he was glad of. Xephos didn't grow facial hair so quickly, that always made Honeydew smile.   
  
  
_Honeydew ran big hands down the ginger hair that swooped down from his cheeks, spiraling down his chin. A grin of appreciation was alight on his lips as he observed the masterpiece of his beard in front of the mirror. Gazing in the reflection, the man slumped on the bed behind him caught his glance. The spaceman was sulking, his bottom lip tilted out in a pout.  
_

_"What's up with Xephos huh?" Honeydew questioned, scratching his ginger whiskers with his knuckles.  
_

_Xephos growled. "Why do you get such a big beard and I only get flipping stubble." He grumbled, raising a hand up to his own cheeks, cupping the skin in his palms.  
_

_"Because you're secretly a 10 year old?"  
_

_Xephos scoffed, shaking his head. "Um.."  
_

_Honeydew gasped, raising his eyebrows. "Or, you've not reached puberty yet!" Honeydew mocked, smirking at his friend through the mirror, who was shaking his head in confusion, attempting to find the right words to say.  
_

_"Last time i checked, I think I have.." Xephos giggled, now blushing red. Honeydew turned to face him, his beard swaying in the quick movement, to which Xephos admired in awe.  
_

_The dwarf winked. "Yeah.. Yeah alright.."_  


Xephos would have normally smiled at that sweet memory.

But now it only brought a feeling of sadness that erupted inside his chest then spread like a cancer down in every crevice of his body. Every vein, organ, joint, everything that made him function slowly filling with a self destructive fuel that would soon burst into flames. It hurt him how much he took Honeydew for granted, because Honeydew was always going to be there right?  
  
..  
  
_Right?_

"Are you ready yet Xephos?" A familiar voice called from downstairs, causing Xephos to jolt out of his train of thoughts that were about to leave station. He cleared his throat, his words husky from the tears. 

"Y-Yeah.." He answered back, his throat aching after, he hadn't yelled for a day or two, his voice was constantly pained from all the screaming he would do during his deep sobbing sessions which happened too many times during a day.

Turning around to his bed, he pulled over a black coat that clung onto his body warmly, keeping him warm since he had grown so awfully skinny over the last month.   
The spaceman gently wandered down the stairs where he was met by his taller friend. His mind was whizzing. He hadn't visited Honeydew's grave since the funeral, persuaded himself not to, because he knew that Honeydew would have thought that it was stupid, and told him not to many times. 

When the two slowly pondered outside, Xephos couldn't help but wince and hiss as the light hit his pale skin which hadn't had any sunlight for a week or so. The land was cold today, his breath gently huffing out in mists that melted into the chilled air. The spaceman's soft blue eyes ran up the path ahead, before landing on Sjin's car, pact with friends of his. His eyesight ran through the layers of familiar faces, Lomadia, Sips, Lalna, even Rythian and Zoey. His feet wobbled slightly at all the new faces. Maybe he wasn't ready for such a big leap all of a sudden.   
  
Xephos could have swore that he fell when Sjin placed a strong hand on his shoulder for support.  
  
The curse behind him, and the hard blow on his head suggested he was right. Xephos had fallen. 

 _How embarrassing._  

The spaceman squeezed his eyes shut as he hissed in embarrassment as a cringe attack possessed his body and mind. The creak of the car door filled his ears, he wanted to peep up from the floor, but the weight of his emotions was pinning him down with large claws that stung onto his back, face and legs. 

"I-I didn't push him!" Sjin gasped from behind, distorted. 

Xephos lay his cheek flat on the floor as he attempted to push his chest from the stone. 

"Xeph are you alright?" Lomadia's soft fragile voice ran through his ears, making him want to perk up and admire her blonde locks that fell down her face. Lomadia was once the spaceman's girl friend, however the impact of Honeydew's death had made the relationship suffer deeply due to Xephos horrible sadness that was spreading through their home.   
They ended it for the best.

Xephos hummed lightly to answer the woman's question. 

"Is he okay?" A voice called from the car. He couldn't make it out, he didn't even want to try to anymore. 

"Yeah, he's just weak and he stumbled I think." Lomadia sweetly responded, before groaning when she scooped her slim hands under his broad arms. "Come on hun." She whispered lightly, giving his arm a slight tug for suggestion. 

Xephos felt every eye in the compacted space of the car. 

He didn't shift, his arm throbbed from the fall. Bruises could form on him a lot easily now, he was so very small and fragile. He needed to eat more, but often found himself not hungry, or vomiting the very little food he ate back up in disgust. Xephos didn't deserve food.

He didn't deserve to live. 

The sound of the car rumbling along the busy streets filled the atmosphere, along with the slight tapping of Xephos' shoe on the car's floor due to his anxiety.   
His mind was fading over in worry and frustration. He hated himself so much for caving in and accepting Sjin's invitation. Honeydew would be disappointed. 

Xephos was alone completely in his thoughts, his mind twisting in different directions which all soon lead down a path to the same conclusion. Honeydew was dead. The spaceman could no longer think about the normal everyday human thoughts about food, family, love, anything. Honeydew was his everything, his every thought, every move, every breath. What was he now that he was gone?

With his face pressed against the cold shielded window that lay heavily with condensation, he thought of Honeydew once again. 

Where even was he?

Xephos swallowed, and thought hard.

_Heaven?_

Too cliche. Honeydew had killed people before, wasn't that the biggest sin of all? Xephos didn't really know, and at that moment in time had no intention of finding out or doing some research.

 _Hell?_  

No way could he imagine bubbly, humble, welcoming, hilarious, perfect, friendly, brave, hero Honeydew burning in hell were Israphel was supposed to be lurking. 

Where did he go?

The car came to a halt, everyone froze for a moment, lying back into their chairs which they had been almost thrown into and compacted together like chickens in a cage. It seemed as though everyone took the same long sigh of sadness, before turning to Xephos. What was he meant to do? Slump in his chair? Sit up? Look to his knees? Smile to everyone? Release the loudest sigh also? Die along side Honeydew?   
  
They were all out the car, prodding down the lane, Xephos was in the center, as if everyone had to keep their closest eye on him. He felt pathetic, so childish. Since when did he need baby sitting? His blue eyes which were squinting and wincing away from the light peeped up to gaze at the road in front. The sign for the chapel was growing unbelievably closer, the hole in his chest slowly opening wider, collecting a bundle of feelings that were merging together to create a terrible mixture. A small hand gently landed on his shoulder, patting gently and rubbing smooth circles along his covered skin. Hannah. He had been so cruel to her, and after years of feeling everything for her, and wanting her forever, even considering marrying her. That had all flew away just because of one man dying. Men die all the time, why did Honeydew have to be so special?  
  
Reaching the chapel gates, Xephos felt faint and turned his head back to the road they had just wandered up, he considered running away, his legs maybe couldn't support quick movement, but he could try. The rest wouldn't let him. He knew that. 

His eyes sealed shut, and he breathed a steady breath that released as a whine. 

"Xeph?" A Canadian accent questioned from just in front. Xephos bent over, trying to knead the knots that were scrunching up in his stomach, chest and neck. "You alright silk shirt?" Sips continued the questions. The spaceman wanted to tell everyone to fuck off, leave him be because this was undeniably stupid. Xephos shook his head, staring down from his stomach to Sip's shoes. His lids then blocked his sight as he began to cry once more. 

"I can't do this.." He whimpered, shaking his head as he hands rested on his hips. "I really can't-."

A robotic arm creaked, and twisted to land on his shoulders gently. "Don't be silly, of course you can." Zoey's soft voice whispered through the chilled air of the grave yard. A whine gently protruded from his lips, and curled into the air. His blue eyes slipped open once more, to gaze at the cracked cobblestone that lay uneven along the path. Biting his lip, Xephos slowly straightened his back to face the others. They're heads had switched around as they eyed the spaceman carefully, their eyes running over every part of him hungrily. Zoey smiled reassuringly, before looping her arm between Xephos' elbow and body. They slowly continued through the graveyard linked. Every gravestone that came into his sight made his heart thump, knowing that they could easily slip across Honeydew's, and he wanted to be prepared for the name to appear. Zoey whispered sweet phrases into his ear, in attempt to make him feel better. But how could he really?  
  
Sjin stopped in his tracks, and breathed harshly into the air. He was gazing down the path, watching steadily at a certain grave in the corner, surrounded by other dead bodies buried under heaps of dirt. Xephos knew, this was where Honeydew was lay. The living bodies of his friends stepped aside, parting to allow Xephos front row seat. His blue eyes gazed upon the black marble structure that stood high. His breath hitched all at once, his world beginning to flood with tears once more, but he couldn't help but slowly wander over to the gravestone. The golden words plastered onto the marble became clearer as his seat got closer. When he landed in front of his best friend, his eyes read the script on the rock once more.  
  
Xephos remembers the funeral.   
  
_Adjusting his black tie, he bit his lip, trying to hold back the shaking growing on his fingers like a disease. Lomadia was by his side, weeping into the sleeve of her black dress that hung above the knee. She grieved like a widow, black makeup gently streaming down her flushed cheeks. Father Braeburn spoke clearly and loudly to the rest of the group, occasionally glancing to Xephos who sat on the church bench at the front.  
_

_"The adventurer died a noble death." Father declared, clearing his throat and gazing into the broken crowd of strangers. Xephos bit his lip, listening to the lies flowing past his ears. Honeydew didn't die a noble death. He died a pathetic, silly death all because of Xephos. Honeydew's dignity was gone because of the spaceman._ _"Xephos?" Braeburn questioned lightly from the stage, eyes flashed and blinked in the spaceman's direction. His shaking hands clutched a small piece of paper bundled up in his clenched fists that were white at the knuckles._ _Biting his lip, he stood up gently, sighing lightly. What did everyone think of him? His footing carried him away up the stairs to the stage, where he stood, scanning the crowd. He hadn't had a chance to know who exactly would be arriving today. No dwarfs were here today, which made his heart sting for his friend. Honeydew's funeral, and none of his family had shown their faces._

_"Um.." He whimpered into the mic, fumbling to pull the paper free from the ball he had scrunched it into to. Reading the first line, he breathed gently. "I think.." He bit his lip before continuing. "I think you all know who I am." He swallowed. "And urm.. Who I was to Honeydew." Xephos cringed saying his name. "Honeydew was, and is everything to me." There was lump growing in his throat. "And.. I miss him.." His voice strangled, and he whined slightly, biting his lip. "Like.. A lot.." Xephos released a sigh, closing his eyes to recompose himself. He opened his eyes to notice everyone staring. "S..Sorry." He mumbled, before turning to Braeburn. The man nodded, persuading Xephos to continue. "Lately, people have come up to me and told me that they're sorry for my loss.. But I don't want your sympathy." He sighed lightly. "Because I was so lucky to have spent so much time with him." His blue eyes turned to Hannah, who hung onto her sleeve still, she smiled weakly. "Honeydew could talk for hours on end, and yet you'd still be intrigued." He smiled warmly, before releasing a gentle chuckle, before facing the floorboards. "We could crack inappropriate jokes that I don't think are appropriate right now.. We'd talk about before we met, after we met.." Tears began to well in his eyes again, he felt silly, so swallowed once more to push them back. "I remember everything."_  
  
His slim fingers are shaking lightly as they trace over the metal engraved on the stone in front. Xephos had fallen down, his knee stinging lightly in pain as they throbbed under him against the hard ground. The snow of the early December had began to slowly fall his feet became cased in by the cold. The whimpers had faded into the air as he froze. His eyes scanned the writing on the gravestone repeatedly, ingesting every word. None of it was new to him. He knew how he died, when he was born, who he was to everyone. Everything. His eyes closed gently in pain. Xephos remembers when Honeydew loved his life.

 

_"Xeph?" The dwarf questioned curiously as they shivered. The spaceman took a few steady breaths. The lack of answer made Honeydew turn his body slightly. His friend had his knees close to his chest as he bit his lip. His blue eyes stared at the wooden flooring beneath them like he blamed it for everything that was going wrong for them that day. "Xephos?" The bearded man pushed onward, his soft voice gently curving into the crooks of Xephos' ears. The smaller man chirped up, his eyebrows lifting as his pupils gently twitched to the side._

 

_"Hm?"_

_Honeydew began to stare away from his friend's eyes, as if he regretted alerting his friend. "I'm scared." He almost cried, before glancing up to his friend's gaze as he continued to shake lightly. Xephos blinked, not knowing what reply could be necessary._

_"Me too friend." The spaceman whispered. This almost broke Honeydew. Normally Xephos would always have an answer, a solution to every problem he had. They were screwed, he knew it._

_The ever lasting silence crept into the room of the Yogcave as the two grown men sat beside one another on the ice cold flooring._

_Honeydew considered his thoughts. "Are we going to die?"_

_Xephos' eyes returned to that very interesting spot on the floor. He swallowed gently, before closing his eyes exasperated. "Get some rest Honeydew." He released in a hushed tone. Honeydew blinked a few times, as if his eyes were attempting to catch onto reality._

_"O-Okay."_

  
  
"Honeydew.." He hummed into the air, his head raising to face the white sky. Freckles of snow were planted on his cheeks, before quickly melting into gentle droplets of ice water. He remembered how Honeydew was always by his side. How Honeydew would never leave him alone. At first his pestering friend had annoyed him. But as time grew, he began to actually love the man beside him. His best friend was everything to him and he needed him. Now he was gone, who was he?

Honeydew was here.

He could feel it.

  
"Please don't leave me alone." The blue eyes stared deeply at the clouds above as they tangled within one another like wisps of candyfloss.  
  
Honeydew would hold his hand through everything. Shake him whenever he considered giving up. Fight him whenever he was being a bastard. Honeydew could always put him in the right. 

Was that what Honeydew was doing right now?

Making a point?

A point to say that Xephos couldn't even live without him.

Or a point to suggest that maybe the man could move on.   
  
The spaceman stopped for a few moments, his body twitching to face the friends which were alive and breathing lightly. Most were clumped together staring at the broken man which knelt in the snow. Hannah. He could build a life with her, start a family, forget the events. Maybe even name a child after Honeydew. Lalna. He could start a lab with his friend, bring new products into the world. Sips and Sjin, help on building the Sipsco empire, get more money for his life with Hannah.  
Maybe he didn't need Honeydew after all.

The land fell silence for once, no longer interrupted by Xephos' tears.  
  
  
Xephos had smiled the whole two weeks. And even made efforts to come outside with friends. The spaceman had even attempted to start things with Lomadia once more. The cold December morning had swept over the land once more. The once dark night sky that was decorated with lazily scatter stars had been hidden by a soft light blue from the morning. Sjin sighed lightly, shivering in the cold that was whipping his body as he continued to walk down the street. The occasional flutter of bird's wings would occur over head, before it squawked in the distance. The familiar house came into sight, and Sjin smiled lightly. The curtains were still drawn, untouched and silent as it lay empty. Xephos must be sleeping. The architect smirked to himself, before wandering up the path. Once beside the door, he fumbled slightly to grasp the key in his pocket. His hands shook gently as he pulled out the object he desired. The door came open easily, and creaked gently as it fell against the wall.

"Xephos~~.." He chirped through the house, glancing around as he admired the home.

Xephos had cleaned up once more, it smelt welcoming with tints of honey. The door lightly shut behind the man as he sighed from no response. "Xephos!" He called through the house, waiting in the silence once more. A moment hovered and passed. Xephos normally would have groaned, swore and come down in his dressing gown, complaining at how early it was.. But he wasn't.. 

Sjin felt his heart beat gently, he allowed himself to climb the stairs, his feet lightly banging on the step. Xephos had been a lot better recently, he even started to regain colour in his cheeks. The spaceman's room lay in front of Sjin's eyes. "Xephos?" He questioned fairly loudly, awaiting one more answer before continuing. He was horrified when he heard none. The brunette gently swallowed, before resting a palm flat on the wooden door. The door gently opened. 

"Xeph--."

The man was cut off by the sight in front of him. Xephos was definitely inside. His legs dangled lazily, from where he hung. The rope was tight around his neck as his head fell to the side whilst his skin turned into a shade of blue. 

Sjin jumped back suddenly, falling onto the floor outside. His tears couldn't be stopped, he stared at the man who was now gently turning. Sjin covered his mouth and panted as he cried deeply. Sjin managed to scramble down the stairs, falling outside as he swallowed a pint of air as he rapidly glanced around for anyone to help. He ran a hand through his hair as he wept loudly. 

Xephos remembers his life with Honeydew.

The happiness that filled everyday.  
  
Xephos remembers his life without Honeydew.

**Author's Note:**

> I normally post all my work on DA, but i thought i'd have ago on here.  
> I feel really shy here ah hi


End file.
